Monday, December 29, 2008

A picture of me

This is a picture of me the morning I was being induced for Ruby's birth.I stayed up late the night before getting ready, putting finishing touches on the receiving blankets I had made for my new baby.
This is a picture of me before my whole world changed and God started teaching me lots of new lessons.
I was looking at this picture last night and thought,you have no idea everything is about to change,after a difficult and scary delivery the nurse is going to tell you,"They think your baby has Down Syndrome."You have no idea how upsetting it will be not to get to hold your baby,to see her gasping for breath,for them to hold her next to you to see her and then take her quickly away so they can give her oxygen and check her heart and maybe send her to a children's hospital close by if her heart is not o.k. To finally find out her heart is o.k. and she wont be moved to another hospital.To wait even longer before you can go to the NICU to see her and when you do see her she is tiny and has lots of wires coming from all over her body.To be told she will probably have to go on a respirator during the night(she never had to,thank goodness).
To feel guilty that your old and gave this to your baby.To have a Dr. point at you and say this Down Syndrome came from you.To just want to rewind everything and make it all different.

This is a picture of me before everything changed.


Lovin Mama said...

I blamed myself in the beginning and sometimes secretly blamed my husband. I remember thinking "I drink organic milk, how can this happen?" That actually seems funny now.

JaybirdNWA said...

I am sorry to hear that you feel responsible for your daughter having Ds. If you read enough of the blogs and forums on here, you will realize that children with Ds come to parents of all ages. I realize that this feeling is something that all parents of Ds experience at different times in the process, my wife and I included. But hopefully we all get to the point where we realize that this child is a gift from God for a purpose and she/he deserves the best that we can give as parents. I hope you and your family had a great Christmas.

Kari said...

I could have written this. You know I will tell you a secret. I have never written out Tristan's birth story. It is so painful every time I try it hurts so badly I always decide not to bother. In my mind our journey began the day I walked out of the hospital with him. Now when I think about my feelings that first year I feel terrible for ever doubting that my Tristan was a perfect baby boy. I was just afraid because DS was new and I didn't know anything about it.

Beverly said...

Thanks for sharing! It is nice to look back at those first days as awful as they felt at the time and think how silly I was to ever feel so sad. I feel like I won the prize having Noah!
Blessings, Beverly

Anonymous said...

I had to be induced, too. I did opt for the amnio so we knew prior to Gabe's arrival that he would have Down syndrome. In many ways, I think I still shared much of the same grief as the woman who doesn't find out until birth.

Now, in hindsight, my biggest blame was my inability to just see my baby for who he was...I was still knee-deep in that "Oh no! My baby has Down syndrome!". But I did my best with what I knew and it has to be enough.

When you write "To feel guilty that your old" is definitely something I have had to deal with. I was 40 when Gabe was born. Life in this time and age doesn't always make one feel her age -- but biologically age is what it is.

I feel badly for you that a doctor did what he or she did to you. That is someone in the WRONG profession. Shame on him or her. I can relate to that feelings of shame, though, as I had my share of doctors do the similiar thing.

Never forget to hold your head up high -- even when it is really a hard thing to do and the weight of the world is weighing it down. (I have those days even still...) Because Ruby needs to learn how it is to look up and forward. Her life is worthwhile and precious -- just like anyone else's! ♥

Angela said...

I, too, have a picture of me before everything changed. Only difference is, my picture is after Benjamin's birth. I am holding him in the recovery room less than an hour after his birth. I look so ignorantly happy it makes me sad to look at it now. It's before the doctor came in the room and told us about his DS. Don't beat yourself up. This will get easier. I promise. It's been eight months for me and the pain has eased a little. But it's still hard. HUGS!